Meditations and Questions

I've found a secret retreat, hidden away in the woods, with a lotus garden, where I can practice yoga and feel like I'm in Bali again. I didn't even seek it out, either. It was serendipitous how I found the brochure at the coffee shop near work, not even knowing a place like this existed in Carmichael.

I went there this morning and did hatha yoga. It was so relaxing that I still feel calm 2 hours later.

I'm going to quit my gym membership, as I only joined for the classes, I hate the whole gym vibe. I like being outdoors, running, rather than on a treadmill. The yoga classes were just crowded and I didn't get much out of it.

Discovering this place is wonderful, but it also made me question my own life path. I've always been down to earth and my philosophy of life ties close to Buddhism, but I feel that after college it's been more and more difficult to live a life close to that. I fear that I'm turning into a yuppie because now I have a nice car and am working so much.

At the retreat, there was a commune vibe there. I walked into what I thought was the yoga studio, but was actually the live in quarters for the staff. It reminded me of a hostel I'd been to in Japan with the wooden shelves out front filled with shoes. A girl was sitting right inside, prayer beads wrapped around her hand; she showed me to the yoga studio and told me about the meditation circle that happens upstairs.

I guess I felt so connected to a place like this and feel in awe that young people live there. It's the sort of life I've kind of wanted, to live in a retreat among gardens and nature. Yet, I know that I don't want to be them. I'm not as free-spirited as I think I am, at least not to live in a community house.

I've also felt in awe of people who could travel the world with little money and have a carefree way of living giving themselves time to live and explore life without the shackles of a career.

When I dream, I dream like a free-spirit, when I do, I do like a rational person. How do I meld these together? How do I balance these sides of myself so that I don't feel empty or feel that I'm betraying my true spirit?

I guess I'm continually discovering who I am. I want to make the right choices, and I know that I will find complete peace inside of me where my life's work will be in balance with my life's life. It's hard to be able to travel and do the things I want to do without money, and I'm just afraid of taking a risk for fear that I'll just end up from scratch again, with no money, and having to depend on my parents who can't financially support me any longer.

I am, mostly, happy with where I am right now. I guess I am continually searching for my next move and I still don't know what, exactly, it is that I'll do next. I just don't want to lose sight of my creative happiness.

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